The Vawdon Div 4 boys appear to be the most diverse and interesting team at the club. Timmy D hopes that the following people will heed his sage advice, particularly when they play on the Parramatta Fields named after his forefathers:

Firstly, there is a strong French presence that has not been felt in Australia since the introduction of the croissant at Coles in the 1970s. In line with the French passion for fashion, François enjoys wearing a nice white scarf. Little does he know that the scarf serves as a subliminal message to the opposition that they are likely to be leaving the fields with neck braces after trying to save his dives. We also have our own resident Napoleon Bonaparte incarnate in none other than Jacques. Small in stature, big in heart. Pierre also makes the occasional appearance; happy wife happy life. Confusingly, however, Alain is often seen sporting a singlet with Japanese dolphin insignia, perhaps in support of sustainable fishing practices and wildlife preservation. Don’t poison the poisson.

Secondly, we have high hopes in some of our local recruits. James Arnold (Schwarzenegger) made good his promise to ‘be back’ and try out for a rep team this year. We are looking forward to seeing him score as many tries this season as there are centimetres in the circumference of his biceps. We also have Adam and we hope he can teach us the Sipi Tau so that we can be as intimidating as Jason Taumalolo when he runs a crash line. Finally, our speedy Charlie Gill seems to have been named after an international rugby league player in the 1950s. His parents clearly have high expectations. If Charlie can keep making those quick dumps on middles, he’ll have found the Golden Ticket for a Vawdon medal.

Thirdly, coach Timmy’s international scouting campaign was a success. Zain is currently heading in One Direction – the opposition try line. Although he has been struck by ‘A Whole New World’ of university exams since coming from Dubai, he’s ‘Still Got Time’ to play some touch from ‘Dusk Till Dawn’ on Friday nights. Peter Benson is also bringing us the ‘Luck of the Irish’. If he can play ball like Johnny Sexton or Conor Murray we’ll take home the Six Suburbs Championship. We also have Tom from Holland who can windmill a pass.

Fourthly, we have some who are near and dear to others in the Bullets family: the First Gentleman of the Club (Chris), who scandalously supports the Tigers; and Keith (lightning) Mac(queen) – never has there been a man with quicker feet.

Fifthly, we have some old heads in the squad. Sam ‘Random Souths Guy’ Zaf is back from injury and is as loyal to the club as Darius Boyd is to Wayne Bennett. Patrick is a veteran Wing Commander and is not afraid to catch a few missiles sent his way. Michael, our co-captain, is out to prove that he is not as injury prone as his brother and is keen to moot the laws of the game with the refs. We will also be having guest appearances from an Alpine G.O.A.T – Ryan.

Finally, there is Joey the co-captain clown who wrote this preview: ‘If we don’t know what we are doing, the enemy certainly can’t anticipate our future actions’ – Colonel Goodhead